Sunday, 11 March 2012


Here is a question that has been on my mind today, what or who determines what another person deserves from you? what makes someone deserve to be respected ? is it superior intellectualism or life experience or perhaps a said title or maybe because it is what you are told to do ?

who exactly gets to tell you what you are supposed to do and by what right do they get to ?
when do you decide it is too much or enough is enough? or if the person is worth the hell they are making you go through?

plenty of questions of the sort are bouncing in my mind at the moment, really who gets to decide all this stuff and based on what?

I am finding myself in a situation where I gave my word and as a final chance for reconciliation however I am also the one being put through hell and made to jump through hoops, 90 days of hell have passed and there is another 90 days of more undiluted hell to go with the latest of unreasonable requests being no communication with anyone, because your personality is basically a friendly monster that feeds and good feelings and talking to people encourages the monster to grow..... did you understand what that means? because i sure as hell didn't

I am an honest hard working ambitious man with a normal amount of intelligence , i honor my word ( obviously that is on the list of my most recent mistakes) i say what i mean, i do not give  up easily and if i say i care then I truly do because I am also emotionally retarded in a sense apparently due to the fact that I do not allow just anyone to get close which in my opinion is reasonable enough, after all people are barely people anymore nowadays so it is better to only let certain people close it is a defense mechanism yes but thankfully i do not think i am a bad judge of character ( thank you spidey senses!) thus when I care it is the real deal and I will be as patient as needed to make the person cared about feel it, I am also a family man which is what has me in this mess to begin with, I am not certain if this is to salvage the relationship with my father what is left of it anyway or to prove that I do what it takes to try and make a family work, because currently my thoughts are somewhere along the line of someone does not accept you for who you are and is willing to make you suffer in attempts to change you ( which will not work im as stubborn as a mule especially when i am right)or break you and reassemble you to how they see fit, are they worth it even if it is family?

does real family do that? I wouldn't know I never had a real family ( blood wise) none of them ever behaved  that way anyway it was all want want want want, yes it has taught me what not to be and has allowed me to continually improve who i am as a person or at least try to ....

So I guess I just have to sit and pray for patient for the next 30 days wish me luck, or well my therapist luck because I intend to give her a hard time since she is being unreasonable and frankly I am pretty much convinced she has no idea what she is doing... damn my word!

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