Yesterday went pretty fast it was just me my dad and the dogs pretty relaxed laid back day the sad thing about it was that there was nothing good on tv other than Hitch, which is not a bad movie apart from the fact that it reminds me of my failure, I can give almost anyone absolutely sound successful dating advice but when it comes to the woman I care for everything I know about women not only jumps out of the window it bloody takes a jet that travels at the speed of light! which of course is not useful I have feelings for a woman and I am failing at winning her trust or even having a conversation for more than a minute actually too as of late.
no normally this is all fine I am patient especially knowing she is worth it but now it is bothering me because maybe i did or said something wrong without knowing?
Things today are not going as smoothly, think it started yesterday late evening when I felt something was off something wasn't right or maybe it was something was bothered and I did not determine who it is, the feeling wore of slightly but came back today I ignored it played cards with my dad played with the pups put ads for them to be sold and got called by an idiot asking me about them then telling me has 2 puppies he wants to sell , well why in God's name are you calling me then! idiot.
anyway I decided might as well have a heart to heart with my dad as it is pointless paying this much in therapy when it isn't working and try to figure out an alternative arrangement since I do not feel broke and I am certain his motives for chucking me to a therapist are social and to keep appearances I mean it is sooooo shameful to have your brilliant son go live elsewhere and say to hell with the family and that country? because it is so wrong to just want a normal life and not go in to politics or big business's , of course last month the agreement was if i keep trying and it doesn't work i get to go home and we will work something out, today the conversation went more like we either find middle ground or i will not be in your life anymore, perhaps it was a mistake telling him that I am fully willing the high price that comes with leaving which could go as far as being homeless and not finishing my degree but not willing to lose him, because it feels like that is being used against me.
ok maybe its not as much failure as it is heart break and disappointment in so called " family" and how quickly one's mind is changed when something does not suit their needs.
So today I feel broken I feel like giving up and relocating to a residence under a rock at the bottom of the ocean possibly under the titanic, because nothing I do is good enough I can't get the dad I can't get the girl and I can't get anything done .
Thus I shall embrace my failure, can't even bloody drink because I can't get drunk! suppose it serves me right for being honest and caring.
no normally this is all fine I am patient especially knowing she is worth it but now it is bothering me because maybe i did or said something wrong without knowing?
Things today are not going as smoothly, think it started yesterday late evening when I felt something was off something wasn't right or maybe it was something was bothered and I did not determine who it is, the feeling wore of slightly but came back today I ignored it played cards with my dad played with the pups put ads for them to be sold and got called by an idiot asking me about them then telling me has 2 puppies he wants to sell , well why in God's name are you calling me then! idiot.
anyway I decided might as well have a heart to heart with my dad as it is pointless paying this much in therapy when it isn't working and try to figure out an alternative arrangement since I do not feel broke and I am certain his motives for chucking me to a therapist are social and to keep appearances I mean it is sooooo shameful to have your brilliant son go live elsewhere and say to hell with the family and that country? because it is so wrong to just want a normal life and not go in to politics or big business's , of course last month the agreement was if i keep trying and it doesn't work i get to go home and we will work something out, today the conversation went more like we either find middle ground or i will not be in your life anymore, perhaps it was a mistake telling him that I am fully willing the high price that comes with leaving which could go as far as being homeless and not finishing my degree but not willing to lose him, because it feels like that is being used against me.
ok maybe its not as much failure as it is heart break and disappointment in so called " family" and how quickly one's mind is changed when something does not suit their needs.
So today I feel broken I feel like giving up and relocating to a residence under a rock at the bottom of the ocean possibly under the titanic, because nothing I do is good enough I can't get the dad I can't get the girl and I can't get anything done .
Thus I shall embrace my failure, can't even bloody drink because I can't get drunk! suppose it serves me right for being honest and caring.
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